Marketing and more: the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination!

It seems like there are hundreds of Democrats and Independents running for president with a few still yet to announce. Some have absolutely no chance of snagging the nomination – so why do they run? For a few candidates, it’s the only way to promote a key issue that’s very important to them. For others, it keeps their name in the headlines. For all, it’s the promise that their byline will always include: …and was a candidate for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination.

Since the Democratic Party focuses on identity politics, here are the pros and cons (as liberals might view them) of those seeking the Democratic 2020 nomination:

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders

Pro:

• Communist
• Communist
• Communist

Con:

• Just another old
• White
• Guy

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz

Pro:

• Everyone can use White House restrooms
• Secret Service agents will be called baristas
• Starbucks on Air Force One

Con:

• Just another older
• White
• Guy

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren

Pro:

• Former Indian
• Woman
• Socialist who hates banks

Con:

• Former Indian
• Middle-aged
• White

New Jersey Senator Cory Booker

Pro:

• Gladiator
• Black
• Former socialist mayor of Newark, New Jersey

Con:

• Newark ain’t the Jersey Shore
• Thinks he’s another Barack Obama
• Guy

Former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper

Pro:

• Signed gun control legislation
• Nickname “Hick” sounds cool
• A capitalist who refuses to admit he’s a capitalist

Con:

• Just another middle-aged
• White
• Guy

California Senator Kamala Harris

Pro:

• Role model for girls; slept her way to the top
• Woman
• Bi-racial

Con:

• Mother from India and father from Jamaica; needs African connection
• Jamaican family politically chastises her
• Wants reparations for blacks; however, other minorities could use the money, too

Former New York Senator Hillary Clinton; Expert at Destroying Email Messages

Pro:

• Will stop citing reasons why she lost the 2016 election
• We already know her campaign slogans
• Woman who has lousy taste in clothes

Con:

• Bill Clinton
• Old
• White

Washington Governor Jay Inslee

Pro:

• Worries about climate change
• Worries about climate change
• Worries about climate change

Con:

• Just another old
• White
• Guy

Former Texas Rep. Robert Francis “Beto” O’Rourke

Pro::

• Aura of John F. Kennedy
• Likes going to the dentist
• Lost Texas senate election (Democrats like losers)

Con::

• John F. Kennedy would be tossed out of today’s Democratic Party
• Just another white
• Guy

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand

Pro::

• Her socialist positions frequently change
• Joined anti-Semitic Women’s March leaders in Iowa
• Woman

Con::

• Her socialist positions frequently change
• Supports Green New Deal – at least today she did
• White

Amy Klobuchar

Pro:

• Hails from Midwest, which Democrats need to win
• Announced candidacy standing outside during a blizzard while focusing on global warming
• Woman

Con:

• Hails from Midwest, but liberals hate the Midwest
• Eats salad with a comb; mistreats her staff
• White

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard

Pro:

• Everyone loves to vacation in Hawaii!
• Everyone loves to vacation in Hawaii!
• Everyone loves to vacation in Hawaii!

Con:

• Who the lei is she?
• Who the lei is she?
• Who the lei is she?

Former San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro

Pro:

• River Walk is a great place to visit
• Hispanic
• Socialist: Te amo illegal aliens!

Con:

• Wants reparations for blacks; however, other minorities could use the money, too
• Castro surname might make Independents nervous
• Guy

Former W. Virginia State Senator Richard Ojeda

Pro:

• Loves teachers’ unions
• Hispanic
• Lost race for Congress (Democrats really like losers)

Con:

• Who is he?
• Veteran, but Democrats don’t particularly like the military
• Guy

Former Representative John Delaney

Pro:

• Who is he?
• Who is he?
• Who is he?

Con:

• Just another white
• Guy
• Still don’t know who he is and it doesn’t matter because he’s a white guy

Former Tech Executive Andrew Yang

Pro:

• Could make a lot of errors on the campaign trail and then reboot his campaign
• Endorses minimum income for all
• Asian (but can he get into Harvard?)

Con:

• Gotta elect a woman before an Asian
• Willing to go onto Fox News
• Guy

Spiritual Author Marianne Williamson

Pro:

• Read any good books lately?
• Woman
• For those seeking higher wisdom or something like that

Con:

• Who reads books?
• Older woman
• For those seeking higher wisdom or something like that

Failed Georgia Gubernatorial Candidate Stacey Abrams

Pro:

• Wants illegal aliens to vote
• Black
• Woman

Con

• Conceded governor’s race
• Name sounds Jewish; Democrats don’t like Jews
• Obama and Oprah campaigned for her and she still lost the election

Former Virginia Governor Terry McAuliffe

Pro:

• Bill Clinton
• Hillary Clinton
• Chelsea Clinton

Con:

• Just another old
• White
• Guy

South Bend, Indiana Mayor Pete Buttigieg

Pro:

• Has anyone been to South Bend?
• Does anyone want to go to South Bend?
• Where is South Bend?

Con:

• Young, but no aura of JFK
• Just another white
• Guy

Joe Biden

Pro::

• One year younger than Bernie
• Obama liked him enough to make him veep
• This is a f—kin’ big deal

Con::

• Just another old
• White
• Guy

Conclusion